Break-Up Recovery Kit

Most of us have broken up with a boy at least once in our lives. It's sad, painful, and utterly heart-wrenching. Breaking up leaves you practically senseless.

That's why you really need the new break up recovery kit! Say goodbye to the conventional break-up routines of crying on a friend's shoulder, eating chocolate (and/or an entire carton of ice cream), and going through a box of tissues in a few hours. This new break-up recovery kit has everything you need from a male candle (because you know you want to burn their head off) and female candle (for who knows why) all the way to helpful therapeutic modalities such as Separation Oil, Break-Up Incense, and "Keep Away Enemies" Soap. 

Instructions for use: 

1. Begin burning the male/female candle (guy if you're a girl and vice versa if you're a guy). Feel free to carve your ex's name into the candle for greater effect. 
2. Take the remaining candle and turn it to face the burning candle. They can watch. 
3. Separation Oil - pour all over body. If your ex tries to catch you, you'll slip right out of his fingers. 
4. Break-up Incense - burn regularly. The stench will prevent any man from coming near you for a very long time. 
5. Keep Away Enemies Soap - Wave this soap in front of all enemies and they will magically be "washed away."

You can have all this and more for the great price of $39.99! And yes, this kit is actually available for purchasing here! 

The College Student's Immune System

Sometime within the first 3 weeks of the semester: 
"AHH! So many people! So many germs!! Cannot fight them all!" 
You get a small cold

First half of semester until flu vaccine:
"Healthy, healthy, healthy..."

After flu vaccine:
"This kid hasn't eaten nutritious food in 2 months, they're sleep-deprived, and stressed...and they just got a vaccine. OVERLOAD!"

After finals week: 
Somehow, your immune system knows you need to make it through finals. You deprive yourself of sleep, eat snack foods because you can't stop studying to get a meal (not to mention you eat at incredibly irregular hours), and possibly don't shower as often as you should. But it's not until the morning after you get home that your immune system finally says, "Well, now that you're done being stressed, we need to clean house. Time to be SICK!"

Other Spiritual Insights (Part 3)

"Prayer is huge part of spiritual formation, having that direct relationship with God. That is such a huge deal." (Ginormous, really.)

"If you do not believe the gospel, how then is it possible to pursue a relationship with Christ and grow closer to him? It is like getting married to a woman that you do not believe exists. If you do not believe she exists, then why should you feel the need to spend time with her?"
(Or better yet, HOW did you marry her?)

"Lives of spiritual formation are characterized by thoughts becoming action and action becoming change." (Does change become dollars?)

"The person's role, simply put, is to follow Jesus. This is not to say that we are to follow him in physical direction (obviously, since he not on earth at that moment)..." (Glad you clarified. I was getting confused...)

Spiritual Formation as Brought to You by... (Part 2)

The time traveler:
"I will measure [my progress in spiritual formation] on May 8, 2012 by reciting 150 verses from memory."

The garbage man:
"Our outward being is a reflection of our soul, which before Christ is like a putrid landfill, which needs to be in a constant state of improvement."

The mathematician:
"An inverse correlation to the level spiritual formation in one's life is the amount of sin still present."

The future orthopedic surgeon:
"These things are indeed the "bare bones" of spiritual discipline; that being said, they also construct the skeleton of spiritual formation as a whole, and should therefore be taken very seriously."

The cattle herder:
“Jesus died for our sin so that we can be converted, and God pokes and prods and shoves us until we believe.”

The schizophrenic:
“Listening can be so hard to do…my mind is constantly going and talking to me.”

Join the Northern Belle next week for Part 3: "Interesting Spiritual Insights" 
See Part 1 here.

The famous "sentence-that-means-absolutely-nothing" (Part 1)

Part 1 of 4 posts to come on the joys of grading student papers. Enjoy!

"The immediate goal of spiritual formation is to nourish and maintain the goals..."


"In many respects, [conversion] is the single most 'solo' decision one can make."

"They should be striving every day to become a disciple of Christ which involves being very discipled."


"During spiritual formation one wants to constantly strive to develop their spiritual formation."

Trees

Imagine you're Adam or Eve, standing in the Garden of Eden. You're angry at Adam for not saying something--how can he even be mad when he didn't even try to stop you? He ate the fruit too! You're mad at Eve for taking the fruit--didn't she know better? Do you have to do everything for her? You have been fighting. Fighting for the first time in your human existence. It feels foreign and broken. You feel self-conscious and naked; vulnerable and dirty. Your shame is slowly iced over by anger. And then, you hear God coming, so you hide in the...

Trees. 

"I know where you stand

Silent in the trees

And that's where I am

Silent in the trees.

Why won't you speak

Where I happen to be?

Silent in the trees

Standing cowardly.

"I can feel your breath.

I can feel my death.

I want to know you.

I want to see.

I want to say, hello." *

After all I've done, God? 

Yes. You broke yourself apart, but I made you, so I know how to put you back together again.

Will you come out of the trees and say hello to me?

*   *   *

Sons of Adam and daughters of Eve, when you hear His voice do not harden your hearts. 

Come out from the trees, into the light that you may receive healing. 

*The song Trees is by Twenty-One Pilots. All italics in quotation marks are their lyrics.

The Joys of a Student Grader

When asked to create a plan for spiritual development: 

"Beginning in December, I will ponder my contributions to the kingdom of God."

When asked what God's role in spiritual formation was...

"Our spiritual formation is formed around God."

When asked what happens internally to a person engaged in spiritual formation...

"A person engaged in spiritual formation changes internally."

No, really??

"Before conversion can even happen, there needs to be a person who can be converted, which implies one role of a person in conversion; they are necessary." 

How is this for a concluding sentence?

"So many ways I could work on my spiritual formation and grow in my knowledge and understanding of the lord."

 The Yoga Teacher:

"The Holy Spirit will even provide you a way out you just have to feel, listen, or look for it."  Namaste.

The Dentist: 

"An individual in this life is imperfect. There may be thousands of shades of imperfection, and an individual can try to move a few shades up or down (like using the teeth whitening strip)." 

The Manly-Man:

"The goal of spiritual formation, at it's root, is to develop such a strong relationship with Christ that we make him our best friend. I don't mean this in a corny way, so don't imagine someone who snuggles with his Bible."

The Toddler:

"I am only a child, so I'm used to having quiet time whenever I want, so having a roommate makes this more difficult." 

The Swimmer: 

"I want to make a daily practice of really diving and using the tools I learned this semester to more fully understand God's word applied in my life."

The Pharisee in-the-making: 

"Why did I [say "believe in your heart"] and skip confess with your mouth? Because if a person is deaf they can still be converted even though they cannot say it with their mouth."

Choose and convert ALL the people! 

"God's role in conversion is complete,  full, and literally all of conversion is from God. He even chooses those that will choose him, because if someone chooses him then they could boast."

God: the seventh member of the avengers

"Trusting in God also is [a] way to learn about God and what his powers are."

The role of the toilet in spiritual formation: 

"In attempts to bring the discipline of confession more fully into my life, I will meet with a close friend to relieve myself of the burden of certain sins."

"I think James says it so well when he says..."  A.K.A. I don't want to explain this, so I will just quote scripture.

Sounds strangely familiar...

"For God to put a fire in me for him that I can't contain and can't control." * 

Harry Potter meets Cedarville: 

"I have access to feedback and I have somewhat of an input and I will use my potion help the new church grow." 

Winners for Best Typos

"However there is more to spiritual formation than simply eating rid of our human nature."

"As we become spiritually formed, God constantly provides us with grade and redeems us from our sins."  

"The believer's role in spiritual formation is to peruse the Lord with all of their heart."

Other spiritually enlightening thoughts...

"In conversion of themselves they need to start living for God."

"Believers may be very smart and try to follow God but everyone is not perfect. We do things like be mean, rude, or non-holy." 

"[The gospel] is supposed to teach wisdom and has songs to praise God with."

"In other words, spiritual formation kind of works like a plant...that sounds a little stupid but it makes some sense."

Apparently, someone agrees with plant-guy: 

"God desires for us to stay close to him saying that if we grow apart we will end up weathering and dying."

"Matthew six is a treasure trove of verses that advises Christians to abandon worry."

"Spiritual formation is a roller coaster process that supersedes the believers commitment and love for God."

Winners for questionable grammar and most confusing sentences:  

"This verse (John 3:16) describes the acts of Jesus who gave us a blueprint so as how to live a G0d-oriented life from the point of redemption through death of this life." 

"The gospel is the books given to the believers to help us follow him by the stories and adventures the people of the Bible had."

"Also faith in works is where trusting God enough that when he tells us to do something in his way, we do it, the way God wants us to."

"Also it is evident in Galatians 6:8 that sows their own flesh are corruption and sowing for spirit and will have a eternal life."

"Explains the aiding process in which we are supposed to do."

"Knowing this we have to determine the meaning through other applications and figure out the meaning of the application that can be used."

"Luke 13:5 says, '...unless you repent you too will perish.' and makes that this too is also a necessary part of conversion, to turn from our old life to a new life with Christ as the Lord of our lives."

"As Paul elaborate I can a struggle that I know I face, that Paul may have been hinting at."

Note: all typos in above sentences are original to the papers. 

*directly out of a Christian worship song called, "Set a Fire"